July 9th, 2008
You know what’s really suck-tastic about having extremely good intuition? The paranoia that comes along with it. Being able to read people really easily sometimes leads to me seeing things that aren’t there. I have no idea where that comes from other than the fact that I’ve been hurt so many times in my life that I just want to guard myself before it happens again. So I try and try and try not to let the paranoia consume me. I let go of any assumption that someone is feeling or doing exactly what I can sense they are doing then try to remain rational.
It’s just not easy….
I like to speak my mind and ask the hard questions. I’d rather look like an asshole by broaching a subject that may make someone think I’m crazy rather than sitting there with my heart breaking in a million little confused pieces. However, lately…I’ve been shutting up and it’s driving me crazy. Also, for the record, it’s not like my assumptions are totally crazy or anything like that. I don’t go off half cocked, accusing people of plotting against me and/or finding ways to make me hurt. Hell, sometimes I even ignore the obvious because I don’t want it to be true. But generally, deep down in my gut, I’ve got it figured out before you do.
This time, I am not going to let it go. I just have to get rid of the bowling ball in my stomach and say it. I’ve got to find the words to express my fear without sounding needy or desperate. I hate being needy and desperate. I hate the fact that I hate showing that side of me too. Still, I can’t expect anything to actually get better within my little heart until I actually just confront some of the people that I need to confront. I guess I will make Thursday my “balls to the wall” day and just start asking the hard questions. Partially, I’m more afraid of being right than I am of being wrong.
“Being Such A Girl” Kisses,
Me
July 8th, 2008
I have no idea why, but lately I’ve been looking at almost everything through very jaded eyes. No, really…I cannot even tell you how many exasperated sighs and exaggerated eye-rolls have been part of my daily routine during the last few weeks. I’m not exactly worried that my somewhat dormant *truly snarky* side will take over permanently because this actually happens quite a bit. Therefore, all I can do is “keep on swimming”, as the animated fish like to say.
But still…it’s time for another reevaluation. Hrm, is that redundant? Gah, whatever. In any case, I’m starting to feel like I need to shed some more skin and find out who I really am now that I’m moving forward with life. Sometimes I get so irritated with people, citing how much they’ve changed and all that other blah blah blah, when realistically, it’s me who keeps changing. The funny thing about all of this is that I *know* exactly what’s happening but this time I just don’t like it. You see, when I am going through these major phases of renovation inside of my own little soul, I tend to get really easily irritated at the antics of others. I’m not saying that it’s right or fair, just that…well, I start focusing on the small stuff more than I would normally. Also? I tend to pull away from people. I have this tendency to isolate myself and I can totally feel that one coming as I type.
I don’t want to do that this time.
I need my friends.
I need my family.
I need to reach out.
Why pray tell, is that so hard? It’s got to be that whole thing about breaking negative patterns. So far in life, I’ve been pretty successful at doing that but uh…not always. Maybe it’s just about being stubborn? Maybe it’s just about wanting to seem strong and not show so many of my weaknesses all of the time? Maybe I’m just tired of figuring it all out? Maybe maybe maybe maybe…it could be anything. I’m just not getting it right this week but hey…no one gets it all of the time, right? Oh please tell me that you’re imperfect too?
Anyway, I’m working on it. For me, the first step always involves blogging about it or talking about it to one person who I totally trust. I have to admit things before I can fix them…I’m just silly that way. Good thing I have a long drive ahead of me again today…time to think is always nice. Of course, so is time to talk to my friends (*cough.sputter.cough*).
Driving Ninety Down The Freeway Kisses,
Me
July 7th, 2008
Jester and I stayed up til the wee hours of the morning in order to bring you all a weekend wrap-up of our fun, frivolity and erm…trips to various emergency rooms. Since Jester did all of the typing (you’ll find out why soon enough), we’ve decided to post it over at his site…so please, clicky clicky to head on over and read what exactly I’ve been up to for the last 4 days!
The Jesterpoo July Edition recap post lies here.
The Jesterpoo July Edition photos lie here and here.
Getting My Car Out Of Hock Kisses,
Me
July 6th, 2008
I’m pre-posting this entry too! I’m a crazy maniac on a mission, I tell you! One thing that often happens when I *am* on a mission is that I lose track of time. I absolutely *hate* losing track of time because that often makes me late. When I start running late, I end up rushing through things that I probably shouldn’t, therefore forgetting things or sometimes even losing them.
So uhhh, yeah….
DO YOU RUN LATE, EARLY OR ARE YOU GENERALLY ON TIME?
Here’s the deal with me…I hate being late and I detest it even more when others are constantly late. I generally tend to run on the early side of “on time” most likely because my Dad has always been that way too. I’m sort of that freakshow that plans it so that she gets there exactly at the meeting time. It’s both a skill and a very scary character trait! Living in Southern California has taught me that it’s okay if I am 5-10 minutes late because everyone else is…well, here they are. When I am other places, I have to remember that I’m not on “SoCal Standard Time” at all! However, if someone else tells me they are going to meet me *at* noon and then they show up at 12:23? I’m fucking irritated. Conversely, if they say *around noonish*, then I expect them to be up to an half hour late. I know, right? So many rules, so little time…
Down The Rabbit Hole Kisses,
Me
July 5th, 2008
It’s a rarity that I meet a chick who has me saying “Damn, she’s one bad ass beyotch” within the first five minutes. However, with Hellohahanarf, those words just flowed like liquid diamonds, baby. The girl is smooth, fun, articulate, lively, sexy as hell and a completely trustworthy friend. She’s one rockasaurus rex who deserves the love from us all. Plus she has such pretty boobage! So pleaaaase, join me in wishing her a very Happy Birthday!
Sweet Sweet Rack Kisses,
Me
July 3rd, 2008
There’s half of me that really feels like she wants to be in a Playtex tampon commercial right now. You know…the ones where it’s all about good times because they’re doing fun things like swimming and playing volleyball, and the world is perfect for summer fun (as long as you have your tampon in, of course). So yeah, I love the summer and the whole idea of it too. Watermelon colored toenails, sucking on popsicles, running through sprinklers, watching my skin turn a bit darker from the sun, feeling exhausted at the end of the day when I can’t breathe and my eyes are burned from all the chlorine in the pool and oh, waiiiit….
Ahem.
One thing that you may or may not know about most voluptuous vixens like myself is that we’re not exactly fond of the sweltering heat. I mean yeah, who the fuck actually *is*? However, the thing is…fluffy girls like me spend way too much time worrying about showing our fat arms or whether or not our shorts actually come down *to* the knee, thus covering up any hint of large curd cottage cheese. While I’d love to be wholly empowered enough to pretend that these things don’t matter to me, my “fuck it” attitude towards mostly everything else just does not extend to this area of my life. I’m still trying to change all of that, be a better person and turn the other cheek when my fat gives me the “sass mouth”.
Yesterday, I didn’t even have to try that hard.
I decided to go get a some new tops for my trip up to the Bay Area after learning that we’d be spending a lot of time at outdoor festivities. I reluctantly gathered up 10 tees, tanks and tunics, wondering if any of them would even slightly fit or look good. I fully expected to come out of the dressing room highly pissed off, hating myself, and breaking my cardinal new rule by calling myself a fat ass. The first shirt I tried on was this sexy empire waist, flowy, draped sleeveless top that we will now refer to as the blue boobie shirt. Holy crap! I could not believe how damned sexy this top looked on me, fat arms and all! ”Hrm, fluke”, I thought. Then I tried on another shirt, and another and another and when all was said and done, I actually *liked* 8 out of the 10 tops. Yep, thought I looked great in them.
Pardon me, but will the real Hilly please stand up?
Seriously, you simply cannot imagine the elation I felt when I went and put back all the tops I wasn’t going to buy for financial reasons, not self-loathing reasons. And yes, I went and put them back instead of handing them to the girl because well…I guess it was sort of empowering in a way. After paying for the two shirts that I actually could afford to buy, I sashayed out to my car as if the world were a much brighter place and I was almost ready to be the star in my own tampon commercial…*snort*. I was trying to figure out how the clothing industry had finally “got it” and who I could call to thank them for making sexy plus sized tanks when it dawned on me.
Hey, I like myself!
It doesn’t matter that I am imperfect…at least not today. There’s no reason to stay home and hide behind my fat when I can be out enjoying all of the little pleasures that life has to offer, even in the fucking hot hot heat. It’s the summer, bitches…and this is the time to be living, breathing, skipping, and just enjoying life while we can! This is the time to have fun with friends and tell anyone that looks at my fat arms to fuck off and kiss my voluptuous plumper of an ass if they don’t like what they see. I’m beautiful and dammit, I am going to start acting like it. No more self-loathing…at least not today.
On that positive note, I bid you all adieu for the long weekend. As some of you know, I am trekking up to see Jester and Company in the Bay Area and will be without my laptop..*twitch*. My plan is to enjoy their company, spread the love and laughter and maybe, just mayyyyybe, drink a little booze. *Cough*. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and remember to love yourselves no matter what. Ignore your imperfections and just be happy….for me? Okay, how about for you?
See You In Oz Kisses,
Me
July 1st, 2008
Every now and then, I’ll catch myself saying something crotchety like, “Life sure was a lot simpler before all of this freaking technology took over”. And yes, I *do* actually look around wondering who the hell said that when clearly it was me. I think this whole “back to basics” yearning started when I began to watch That 70’s Show in syndication. I’d marvel at the simplicity of having one long-corded home telephone and a television that actually required you to get off of your ass to change the channel. Perhaps it’s just that the whole “scene” makes me nostalgic for a time when I didn’t feel the need to be “jacked in” every second of every day.
But here’s the thing…I’m fully aware that it’s not technology’s fault that I tend to obsess over my email, blog, twitter, text messages, phone calls, DVR preferences, blah blah fuckity blah. It’s just the way my life is, being that this high-tech digital girl has many close relationships that basically depend on technology. Unlike some people who believe that there is a huge difference between “the Internet people” and “real friends”, my closest relationships actually were formed from deep inside my sweet sweet computer box. Therefore, when I’m faced with the horror that I may not be able to email someone I need to get ahold of, chat with a person who brings me to my happy place, or check blogs to see what some of my best friends are up to, I tend to get a little bit twitchy. Maybe, just mayyyybe I tend to take it overboard too.
You see, I sort of invited myself to Jester’s house for the 4th of July weekend when he and I were talking on the phone last night. Seeing that the alternative is to stick around here with nothing to do, while most of my friends are off whooping it up, I totally jumped at the chance and was excited about it too! I got off of the phone with Jester and started doing a happy dance on the inside (because I’ve been too sick to snoopy dance in my panties “for real”). But then…a single thought brought me crashing and banging to this loud, screeching halt.
But my laptop is broken, which means I’ll be out of town for 4 days with no computer! How can I go away without a laptop? I can’t leave my precious Internet for that long!
I started to rethink my decision to go out of town, finding a million reasons that were way less pathetic than the one true reason stated above. I tossed and turned in my sick bed, then started twitching for a bit. My mind reeled as I thought of ways to quickly get myself a new laptop in time to go up to there to the Bay Area. Suddenly, and without warning, my damned good sense came into play. Uh, they have other computers at their house and maybe if I were to ask or bribe, they’d let me check my mail now and again. Also? Everyone else will be busy doing stuff this weekend and probably won’t be hanging out online anyway. And lastly? The fact that the mere thought of staying home actually crossed my mind made me feel highly pathetic. Besides, I *do* have a SmartPhone with net capabilities anyway…*whistles*.
Seriously though, it’s moments like these that I truly do yearn for “a 70’s life” but know deep in my heart that I could not survive that shit one day, knowing what I know now. So I guess I’ll just muddle along with all of these luxuries at my fingertips, if I must suffer (yes, I *am* Norma Desmond).
I’ve decided while writing this post, however, that if I *had* to give up *one* piece of modern technology, it would definitely be the microwave because, while convenient, it’s not a necessity for me. Hello, it may take longer but cooking in the oven and on the stove top actually is possible, shock of all shocks! And more importantly, my microwave doesn’t connect me to the people I love in any way, shape or form. You see how I’m improving upon myself here by being so willing to give things up? I’m a freaking pillar of strength, I tell you! Snort…but seriously, could you give something up? Would you want to? And pray tell, what the hell would that something actually be?
Big Red Kisses,
Me
June 30th, 2008
This meme has rules, apparently. Copy and paste, fill in the blanks, use the preset alphabetical statements to find those blanks, blah blah. Well, fuck that. Today I am going to freestyle the hell out of this meme, as I am prone to do. So my “A to Z” is probably going to be a whole helluva lot different from the others you see out there. I’m just going to take each letter as it comes, giving you a little snippet of me as we go along. Ready? Set? Go!
Animated: I’m a very animated speaker and I talk with my hands…a lot. I have no idea how to have a conversation without every ounce of me getting involved in it…hands, hair flips, smiles, big eyes, dramatic facial expressions, blahsy blah.
Booze Whore: I like booze and I don’t care who knows it! It’s not as if I’ve got a problem and need to check into the nearest rehab. I just like drinking and do it on social occasions more than not. Besides, drunk Hilly is sorta fun and crazy. Hrm, I’m not sure how she’s different from sober Hilly but whatever.
Clever: I know, I know….calling myself “clever” is a little like tooting my own horn but hey, I’d rather be loud and proud than shrink into a violet or something similar.
Determination: Life doesn’t just throw lemons at me; it throws dodge balls. Somehow I manage to keep my head above water while smiling the whole time. This isn’t some martyrdom thing I’m talking about here…it’s my life and I am determined to make it more than just livable.
Easy-Going: Oh sure, people *say* that they’re not high maintenance but when it comes right down to it, you know and I know that they totally are. Me? I think I’m completely easy-going and just seem to go with whatever flow. It’s that whole thing I talked about…letting go of control. Yeah, that helps a lot…
Foo Diddy: I shied away from “girl friends” until I met the Foo about 4 years ago. She’s totally my BFF and no matter how much each of us have grown and changed, we’ve been able to change together and not grow apart. She amazes me and I am so happy to have her in my life.
Gardenias: These are my favorite flowers…ever. I’ve always dreamed of having a house that had tons of little window boxes filled with gardenias, so that I could open the house up at night and let the smell waft in. No, I don’t dream big….I just dream of the small but happy things mostly.
Hope: I am a true believer that “hope” is one of the ultimate emotions. Whenever life has me down on the ground, clutching my knees to my chest while softly crying, the thing that makes me get up and wipe the tears away? Always hope. When i am lost and have no idea what to do next? Hope. It’s a powerful little thing, it is.
Insomniac: Yes, this was on the original version of this meme but it fits. I have had insomnia for years due to my anxiety/panic disorder. My problem is that I just cannot shut my brain off at night…it keeps going, thinking, analyzing, worrying, etc. So I take 2 Advil PM and 1 Trazodone each night and I sleep like a baby…mostly.
Jenny Craig: This is the diet I am currently on. So far, I’ve lost 11 pounds in 3 weeks! Let’s see how much more I can lose, huh?
Karl: My best guy friend of over seven years. I think most of you know him or know of him. You know, he “whacked it, jacked it and peed on the floor”.
Mah Davey-Joe: The alter-ego to one of my BFFs, Dave2, is mah partner in crime, plus he brings me booze and tiaras then gallivants with me through Disneyland.
Nonchalance: I’m practicing the art of being nonchalant but I truly suck at it. I guess that’s a good thing because I’d rather care too much than too little. But still…it’s like I’m a window and you can see right through me. It would be easier if I was a bit more…unaffected.
Oprah: I believe that she’s the devil bitch. Charity does not come with a camera crew. Enough said.
Pushing Daisies: This is my favorite TV show, hands down. If it doesn’t come back on soon, I may just die! Seriously though, this program is everything that’s good about television.
Quilted: One of my friend’s favorite analogies that I use is that of the patchwork heart. Here’s how that analogy actually works….each person that we love never truly leaves us or fades away; they all have a special place inside of us, helping to create a patchwork heart. I truly believe that….everyone I’ve ever loved and continue to love now have special places in my quilted heart, no matter how big or small.
Roller Skates: Not a lot of people know this, but what the hell…. Last month, I bought real roller skates. No, not roller blades, but roller skates. They are a great form of exercise and I am hoping that when I slim down a bit more, I can talk Ginamonster into telling me more about becoming a Roller Derby Girl.
Silly Hilly: I am going to be 37 years old in November and I act as if I am about 25 on a good day, but usually more like I am 18. I asked my friend the other day if he thought I’d act more “grown up” after I turn 40 and he replied, “God, I hope not”. Agreed, my friend…agreed. I like being silly and youthful. There is no reason I should not be.
Tori: For those of you that are not really into reading between the lines enough to know that most of my post titles come from Tori Amos songs, I have a news flash: She is my favorite musical artist, period. Yes, I have love for many other artists that come just below her, but she is number one. Her music moves me in ways that I cannot even explain.
Ugly: I’m not a huge fan of that band Staind, but I’ve always loved that one song where they say, “inside you’re ugly…ugly like me”. I think I just identify with the fact that all of us have that ugliness inside. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have it too….but I think that in the end, all that matters is what you do with that ugliness and how hard you try to make it go away.
Voluptuous: I’ve decided, as of right now, that “voluptuous” is the word that I am going to use to describe my physique. No more calling myself “fat assed” or anything similar. From now on, I am fucking sexy and voluptuous!
Wordsmith: I like to make up words, the funkier the better. I absolutely love it when they catch on too. I may not have a book deal like some people but hey, I can make up a new word like nobody’s business!
Xing: So remember how I called myself clever up there? Yeah, this may change your mind. You know how crosswalks will often have the words “PED XING” painted on the road before them? So I always thought it was “Pedestrian Zing” and did not understand that “XING” meant “crossing” until I was about 25 years old. Go ahead, snort and laugh…it’s fucking unbelievable, I know!
You: Yes, you….you make me smile.
Zigzag: Sometimes my emotions tend to zigzag all over the place. I’ve recently realized that the more afraid I am to actually “own” those emotions, feel them and deal with them, the more I go up and down in the crazy department. Working on that though….meh.
26 Kisses,
Me
June 29th, 2008
Somehow my friend and I got on the subject of Sesame Street the other day. While talking about the show and all of the memories it holds, I said, “That fucking Big Bird is a total tool, by the way…always has been”. When my friend agreed with me, I started wondering how many other people out there wished that Big Bird would get struck with the Avian Flu and just uh, erm…go away. Of course, less radical people would be all polite and just say, “Oh that bird wasn’t exactly my favorite character but I wish him no harm”. A clue: he’s a muppet.
With that said, it’s time for….
WHICH SESAME STREET CHARACTER IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE?
WHICH SESAME STREET CHARACTER DO YOU DISLIKE?
Some of you may not have “issues” with the cute little muppets of Sesame Street, but I’m sorry…I do. As mentioned before, Big Bird can suck me. Unlike a lot of people who want to throttle Elmo though, I actually like the little dude. Of course, I never really paid attention to that whole “Elmo craze” that went on during the last decade. If I have to pick an absolute favorite, I choose Grover. That cute little blue monster is funny, speaks correctly, is a total spaz and is the most affectionate, hug loving little dude around. Besides, he’s also SUPER GROVER so that makes him doubly cool cause yanno, Super Grover is helpful!
To show my deep love for Grover, I’ve attached two very different videos of him. The first is a “classic Sesame Street” montage and the next is a more recent ditty of Grover appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live (with hunk Tim Daly too!). The second clip cracks my shit up! Enjoy, then tell me all about your Sesame Street likes and dislikes!
Cute Little Furry Monster Kisses,
Me
June 28th, 2008
The longer my hair grows, the more I wake up each morning with ratty “sex head”. However, am I actually *having* the sex? A clue: no. I guess that’s just the way things are when they become bigger, longer and uncut. I know there’s a “that’s what she said” in there somewhere. Go ahead and rock the innuendo…I know I would!
In any case, another thing that has become completely unmanageable for me lately is my blog roll. Oh, and my feed reader….so I guess that makes two things! For those of you who are about to throw a hissy tizzy, don’t hit the “back button” just yet. This is not a blog about blogging but rather about the state of my blog. Go ahead, say that fast ten times in a row! Anydiddle, do you know how many ways there are to stalk people (i.e. how many feeds one person could potentially have)? Let me show you by using my various feeds as an example (therefore whoring myself out in a “sneaky” manner):
BLOG FEED FOR SNACKIE’S WORLD
COMMENT FEED FOR SNACKIE’S WORLD
HILLY’S TWITTER FEED
HILLY’S FLICKR FEED
HILLY’S LAST FM MUSIC FEED
SNACKIE RADIO FEED
Crap, I am sure there are even more but those are all I know off of the top of my head because…*hangs head in shame*…I follow those feeds in my reader. Yep, I like to know what other people see and also I like to check in to make sure they are all working. Don’t call me Narcissus quite just yet though! I usually “mark all read” and move on to the real feeds.
Which brings me to my point! Wait, I had a point? Ahhh yes, and here it is…this weekend I am cleaning up my blog roll and my feed reader(s). It’s time to just get everything organized before I go crazy up in this bitch. My biggest problem is that I will go to read a blog, love it, comment on it, send myself an email to add it to my feed reader when I get home, completely forget that email and then whammo bammo! Why yes, I could just add it to Google Reader then feed it to Feed Demon later and that’s the plan, Stan. But first…I must become more organized.
This is where YOU come in! Please check my blog roll to make sure you are there and that your feed is correct. Yes, I know…I ask an awful lot of you but I give back too…yanno, mostly. I don’t care if you read my blog from your lurkey turkey abode or if you are loud and proud with comments, you need to be on my blog roll so speak up if you are NOT there, mmm’kay? What else? Oh yes, do you have any secret feeds that you think I should be stalking or any blogs that you think I just must read? Spit it out today because once I am done revamping this weekend, I’ll bury my head in the sand…again. FYI, if you think you should be on my blog roll and are not? Don’t take it personally at all. I update that once in a blue chicken-fried moon!
Anyway, structure…Hilly needs a little structure today apparently.
Twitchy Kisses,
Me
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