I keep meaning to sit down and write about my little lovely adventures but the moment I try to do so, more of my life starts happening and I just don’t want to miss a second of it. In the last week of my life, all of the little bits and pieces that somehow seemed a bit shattered dried up and were swept away in the knowledge that I am happy and that I have a really good life.
It’s so easy to forget that. There are moments where we feel so small and alone and in those moments, it’s easy to let fear and anger take over. Hurt is something that touches all of our lives and whether or not we let it consume us is an actual choice. It has taken me forever and ever to get it. I was always the girl who was more freaked out about the one bad thing some random nobody said about her rather than the fifty good things the gaggle of good people in her life had to say. My life was unhappy and in that unhappiness, it was easy to accept the wrong emotions rather than work hard to embrace the good ones. Again, this was *my* choice and something that I had to come to terms with in my recent adult life.
People have come and gone a lot in my recent years and no matter who said what to whom or did what to whom or all of that other stuff that nobody truly remembers in the end, they were there. Each person I have known has touched me and shaped me despite the current empty space where they once stood. To pretend that they didn’t exist is foolish and cruel but to let their absences break me is something I will never do. I spent a good year letting the memories of things that I had shared with my ex-husband taint those things forever. My sudden hatred towards Los Angeles and my inability to watch any television show that centered around Las Vegas were ways in which I was letting the “memory of us” hold me down. So we shared songs, vacations and other various things that will come up again in my present life. Why in the HELL did I let the pain and anger of our bad moments take away from the fact that Vegas makes me squeal like a child and that I bowled drunk with some of my best friends in the middle of Hollywood? I was allowing negative thoughts and emotions to rule my head space. In my pain, I created a world that was always seen through the eyes of what was wrong and hardly what was right.
These days, I wake up each morning and count at least five blessings. Seriously, as I’m stumbling around looking for the brown nectar of the Gods then doing my morning stretches, I try to come up with five things that really make me smile. This morning, I beamed at the memory of an amazing weekend with friends and a sexy sexy boy that made me squeal like an adult! I was touched by the fact that one of my best friends contacted me out of the blue to let me know that he is visiting me next month just because he misses me. I was stoked that a musician friend of mine asked if I wanted to sing backup when he starts playing shows again. I was grateful for the best friend who cooked me super duper yummy pretzel dogs then went clothes shopping with me for hours afterward. And then I held my breath and sighed as I remembered the little puppy who cozied up to my neck and cried when I had to let her go…
My moments are my bliss and in this new life that I am constantly carving out for myself, I am finding it easier to live a happy life when I remember to open my eyes and see exactly what it is that I *do* have rather than stressing what I don’t have. There is always going to be something out there to make me cry or wish I had done things differently but my goodness, I refuse to focus on that simply because…
I refuse to be broken. Not now. Not ever again.
Davey-Joe Chocolate Pudding Kisses,
Me
July 13th, 2010 at 2:45 am
Wow, I love that pic with your puppy. It is soooooooo cute.
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July 13th, 2010 at 2:47 am
@Cute Puppy Lover, Awwww thanks but it’s not even my puppy! My friend’s dogs made some babies and I was loving on one of them.
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July 13th, 2010 at 4:36 am
@Hilly, You totally need to adopt it, just because I said so. He’s (she’s?) so cute!
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July 12th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
@Elizabeth Kaylene, They’re already all spoken for (which makes me happy for the poochies anyway).
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July 13th, 2010 at 2:47 am
I love this…
thank you.
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July 13th, 2010 at 2:49 am
@Nat, No thank YOU. Really.
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July 13th, 2010 at 2:51 am
Keep kicking ass. It suits you. : )
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July 13th, 2010 at 2:54 am
@Kim, I will! I’ve got some cute new shoes with which to kick too!
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July 13th, 2010 at 2:59 am
What a great list of 5. Its so awesome to see you be happy.
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July 13th, 2010 at 3:04 am
@Becky, Thank you sweetie. I have to admit that it feels good too. I randomly danced at work today and someone said, “you are the happiest person I’ve ever met.”
Who me? What? Hahaha!
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July 13th, 2010 at 3:22 am
Thank you for sharing. I have been through my own shattering over the last 10 years or so and am beginning to see the light.
Your thoughts are fodder for my encouragement!
*mwah*
Tamara
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July 12th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
@Tamara, It’s amazing how the light just sort of snaps on one day and things become clear.
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July 13th, 2010 at 3:45 am
You’re absolutely right. What’s so sad is I have so much trouble seeing the good in my life and I’m only 21. But I’m glad you’re working hard to keep yourself happy, you deserve it.
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July 12th, 2010 at 9:45 pm
@Motley, It’s always harder when you’ve gone through a big change like you did but you’ll soooo get there, I promise.
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July 13th, 2010 at 3:51 am
*jumps up and down and waves her arms* I might only be a shadow in that place where I used to stand, but I’m still here! Welll, mostly I think.
Hug Dave for me. And tell him to hug you for me. I miss you both and I love your evolution.
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July 12th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
@Winter, You will always be right here in my heart, for sure. I’ll kiss Dave for you fosho!
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July 13th, 2010 at 4:22 am
Love this post.
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July 12th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
@Sybil Law, Thanks, hon.
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July 13th, 2010 at 4:33 am
oh I just love you
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July 12th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
@flutter, It’s totally mutual.
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July 13th, 2010 at 4:37 am
You never cease to amaze me, Ms. Hilly. You wear happiness like every girl’s favorite dress! Now take that puppy home for me, since I can’t have one!
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July 12th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
@Elizabeth Kaylene, Happiness is a red dress!
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July 12th, 2010 at 11:12 pm
yay!
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:13 pm
@tori, Backatcha!
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July 13th, 2010 at 5:05 am
I love the idea of counting blessing every day! That is beautiful. That little pup is so freaking cute! Glad he is going to have a good life.
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
@Karen, It’s really helping me stay grounded when everything else goes shitty.
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July 13th, 2010 at 5:36 am
So happy for you, and so glad you are looking at the bright side of ALL things. Inspiring!
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
@Krystle, Thank you, darling! I think that is the only way to keep moving forward without falling on ones face!
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July 13th, 2010 at 5:59 am
Good Morning SUNSHINE! I can feel your happiness radiating off my computer screen. I’m so glad you are focusing on all the good times instead of the past hurts. It’s amazing how bright it is once we open our eyes.
MMmmmm…now to drink in that delicious brown nectar of the G-ds and get my ass to the gym.
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
@MB, Hey sparklepuss! Thanks for always being an amazingly positive influence on my life.
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July 13th, 2010 at 6:44 am
You are fabulous and loved and amazing. And don’t ever forget it (Trust me, I’ll hunt you down and remind you if you ever do)
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
@Tudor Rose, I know that if ANYONE will, you will!
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July 13th, 2010 at 7:15 am
This is just a great post. Period.
xo
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
@Princess of the Universe, Thanks, sweetie.
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July 13th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
New puppy, strong woman. Perfect match.
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:16 pm
@martymankins, I wish it was my puppy but alas, nope. I live in an apartment so yanno how that goes.
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July 13th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Puppy is so cute. You are, too. Especially when you’re happy.
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:16 pm
@Shelli, I like being happy too!
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July 13th, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Uhmmm…you forgot to mention that puppy and mama NEED A HOME!!1
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:16 pm
@Elise, I thought she had a home????
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July 14th, 2010 at 3:59 am
oh that puppy is adorable! I’m so glad you’re finding your happiness. It’s a wonderful feeling
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:16 pm
@suze, It’s a shift in focus and yes, it is amazing.
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July 14th, 2010 at 6:10 am
Well, happiness IS a warm puppy.
At least according to Charlie Brown…
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
@Dave2, Who can doubt the wisdom of Charlie Brown, especially when I am so fond of Lucy?
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July 15th, 2010 at 10:49 am
So happy to see you happy!
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:17 pm
@Jenni Williams, So happy to see you HERE!
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:34 am
OK so I’m a little late to the party with my post but I just wanted to let you know how happy I am to see you happy!
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July 18th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
@Jennifer, Better late than never and thank you so much!
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July 18th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
Really? Are you sure all of this isn’t fake? I mean, you know you aren’t allowed to change or evolve or grow or anything right? That would be like, omg! wrong or something!
I love that pic of you. It just looks like someone genuinely enjoying life. It’s nice to see. Good for you!
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July 19th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
@Stella, Hahaha aaaaand snort, even. It’s pretty damned hard to fake a happy life when there are about twenty local people who read my blog and have known me for over ten plus years. Gee, how did someone as fake as I am even manage to keep friends that long? Oh and ahem…thank you so much. I love my simple little life that I’ve built!
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July 19th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
@Hilly, well, yanno it would be easy for someone who changes friends more often then underwear to see your natural evolution as fake or contrived.
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