I stood leaning against my car, trying to look mad when all I really was feeling was some sort of undefinable pain. He walked to where I was standing, arms crossed, and upon seeing the look on my face, took my hand and said, “Come on inside and let’s talk, okay?”. I reluctantly let him rub my back as I walked into his front door, knowing what was about to come. I found the familiar spot on the floor in the corner of the room then sat down and curled my knees up to my chest…a position that had only recently become comfortable after having lost 25 pounds. I wanted to look up at him but I couldn’t. My eyes darted across flecks of carpet and sunflower seed shells that had found their way under his couch. It was like I was under water, trying desperately to hold on to the anchor keeping me there rather than coming up and gasping for air.
“I came…”, I started to say, “I came to…”.
My words trailed off as the flood gates opened and tears started streaming down my face. These weren’t the kind of tracks that formed when soft tears fall but rather the kind that had been bottled up for too long. There was a sobbing that I had only maybe felt once or twice before, back when I actually allowed myself to cry.
He came to where I was sitting and wrapped himself around me as best he could. He took my head and put it on his shoulders and said, “I know. I know. I know.“ He held my hand and listened to me for hours. I had come to tell him that I was wrong and that I was sorry (baby). I had been distant, aloof and cold because I was afraid to feel. I wanted him to know that I was done turning it off and that I was able to be myself again. I wanted to tell him so many things but he knew just by the way I held his hand and clung to him for dear life.
That was the first time I had cried over a man or to a man in quite some time. In fact, it was the first time I had cried over much at all.
This afternoon as I relayed this story to a co-worker, her mouth dropped open in complete shock. “Wait“, she said, “You cried over a boy? You don’t cry…especially not over men.”
It was at this moment that I realized just how cold and hard I had recently made my heart. I mean, not only that but I had locked the damned thing up so tight that no one could see just how rapidly it was bleeding on to the floor. I’ve held it all in…the pain, the resentments, the anger, the fear and most of all the utter devastation of certain losses. I’ve done what I always do but this time with an army’s strength. My foot would stride in front of the other over and over again until I had tucked my hair under my helmet like a good little soldier and had become immune to emotional gloom. I put on my sunshine smile and met each loss and each obstacle with a genuine rationale that none of them mattered as long as I focused on the good and amazing things in my life. You know, finding the good in things is never a bad idea at all but as human beings with such varied emotions, we have to be able to take those face punches and let the bruises show rather than hiding them with make-up.
It’s not a falsehood that my life is good because really, it is. I am blessed to have a man who sticks by my side, waiting patiently for me to be able to commit and be ready to love again. On the flip side of that, I’ve had young men crawling all over me and offering me their paltry affections while I heal my heart and decide what I truly want. My friendships feel more genuine than anything I’ve ever known because I am finally allowing myself to just be the me that I want to be, no apologies. In fact, it was awesome the other day when one of my besties said to me, “Okay, you have to tell me when things are bad in your world because I am oblivious and think you are always okay. I feel like such a bad friend” and I was able to turn around and honestly look at myself then say, “It’s not really your fault. I hide myself away from the world and only show you the happy side most times. You’re not a mind reader.”
I guess what I’m trying to work through now are the sad emotions. There are unspeakable losses that I’ve suffered over the last few months and while some were my fault and some certainly were not, they mattered. Just because I am not the type of person to weep all over my page here at any given moment like I used to, that does not mean that I am incapable of feeling. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I have been giving away so many of my precious affections to the people that are constantly in my face that I have forgotten that it’s okay to mourn the losses of those that aren’t. Saying that I miss someone’s presence in my life is not the same thing as surrendering and admitting defeat…it’s just an honest declaration of the way my guts feel on any given Sunday. Just because I’m healthy enough to know when other people are bad for my life that does not mean that I’ve forgotten how they once made my heart smile.
I’m not callous. I’m not cold. I’m not the woman “who doesn’t cry and especially not over men”. I’m not a soldier. I’m not hard.
Behind the bright smile and the constantly flowing jokes lies a person just like you…a person who is doing her best to survive in a world gone mad. I make mistakes like everyone else and I pay for them…like everyone else. A man who I am not supposed to care about one bit hurt me so deeply this last weekend that I cried in his arms, despite the fact that I’ve only known him a few months. I sat in the middle of another man’s living room, finally showing him that I was ready to love after telling him for such a long time that love was a fairy tale only to be stomped upon by giants and ex-husbands. I reached out to my best friend yesterday and basically said, “I need you. When can I see you?”. I sit here, for the first time in almost six months, opening myself back up to you, my readers. I’ve only been showing you half of me for quite some time because I wasn’t ready to face some of the pain again. I wanted to go on living my life of dancing, drinking, smoking the weed and dating much younger men. I wanted to go on smiling and pretending that it’s all going to be okay as long as I never let myself hurt again.
The truth is that yes, it *is* all going to be okay but the only way to make that happen is to cry just as much as a laugh, scream just as much as I’m silent, reach out just as much as I retreat and to apologize just as much as I assume and attack. There is no yang without my yin and in my maniacally happy state, I forgot that allowing myself to feel the bad didn’t necessarily mean that I would go back to the same misery I felt a year ago at this time. In fact, I think that as of today…right now…I am the most balanced I have been in quite some time. This is why I am finding it so easy to lose weight. This is why I am finding it so easy to bond with my friends. This is why I am ready to tell him that I only want to be his and that I think…I think I may love him.
Best Friends Forever Kisses,
Me
July 27th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Oh Hilly…
That makes my heart all mooshy inside.
I’m so happy for you. SO happy. SO happy that I couldn’t express it if I tried. You truly deserve the best and by the sounds of it; you’re finding it.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:37 pm
Thank you, Krystle. It’s all such a learning experience and even though I’ve taken the slow boat to China, at least I’m rowing.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
What a beautifully worded and written post, Hilly.
Admitting that a loss hurts is sometimes the hardest part. A lot of people look at that as weakness, *I* look at that as strength and courage.
I too mourn people, places and things from my recent and far past. It doesn’t make them any better or less toxic for me.
Keep your chin up and keep doing what you’re currently doing. You’ll get there. I have faith in you.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
How can you love someone for any period of time and not feel their loss once they are gone? Also, how can you love a man for eight years and not mourn the loss of him whenever he crosses your mind?
You just can’t.
Burying it all hasn’t really worked so now I am embracing it and letting it wash over me then go away.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
I am so happy for you!
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Thank you, my friend….man, we have come through some shit together, huh?
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
Man oh man, have we. And as much as that shit sucked, I managed to find some amazing friends. I consider them the silver lining, and you are definitely counted in that crowd.
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:21 pm
All of that really is the silver lining. Knowing you through all of that crap really helped me through it.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
(((HUGS)))
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Right back atcha, baby!
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:15 pm
Hilly, you are such a strong person and your blog shows it. Honestly, reading your recent posts has made you a kind of role model for me.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Awww, Motley. I wish I was still local so we could go out and talk and all that good stuff.
I truly appreciate that you see me in that light and am flattered more than you can even imagine. That’s on the real, too.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:53 pm
@Hilly, she’s getting so grown up and all drinking Kamikazes and talking about emotions… Sometimes I’m so proud I could scream. Sometimes she pisses me off so much I could scream. And sometimes the tears leak from my eyes because she’s not my doe-eyed baby anymore. But I’m so proud that she sees your worth.
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:21 pm
Awww, you are so awesome. Seriously. I love it when you get all proud momma up in here.
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
I’m happy that you’re happy. <3
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
And I am happy that you are happy that I am happy.
Ahem, wait what?
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Wow. You’ll have to give me tips on how to do that…
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:41 pm
The first step is to make it about you and not about them. It is always about making myself healthier on the inside despite what other things may whisper into my ear.
Plus, I can tell you lots more when I COME SEE YOU!!!
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
@Hilly, YAY for that!!!!! I can’t wait!!!! I’ve been meaning to email you about that too!
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Yes well, I am ready! I mean, I have a really important date with Dave2 coming up and some other various stuff but other than that, I am freeee!
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July 27th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Every time I come here I see Xena striding through the fires of hell, weeping yet still conquering…I need to learn to swashbuckle like you. My life is like Whack a Mole not Xena. But I’m seriously happy that you’re conquering the demons and feeling so good.
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
I think that Xena even had to cry now and again. I can’t believe I went from a person who was mocked by her husband for crying all of the time to someone who wouldn’t shed one tear for anything.
I hope I can come down and see you soon. I am planning a trip to see Cricket so maybe I can extend that and we can go out to eat or drink or just be damned merry!
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:46 pm
@Hilly, That would be awesome. I do so wanna give you one of my print books. (The one with the hero named Vahid. LOL)Maybe I’ll talk Rott into a long drive in his SUV later this summer. He hasn’t taken it farther than Hemet since he got it.
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July 27th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
@Hilly, Ohoh! I can drink now! We’ll go out for drinks, right?
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:56 pm
As if *I would ever say no to drinks!
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
what a post! that was beautiful and so well said. you are such a strong woman, nothing will get in your way.
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
I used to stand and say, “Oh so you think YOU are going to be the one to break me? Hardly!”
But now I realize that everyone breaks us a little…it’s how we get put back together that matters.
Anyhoodle, thank YOU for always being supportive and kind.
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:13 pm
I’m really happy for you, Hilly. I’m glad you’re starting to heal and let yourself love again.
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Considering how much you’ve witnessed in my life, that means an awful lot to me.
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July 27th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
You were bound to reach this point of healing eventually, but it’s good that you didn’t rush it. Lowering that drawbridge before you were truly ready would have been dangerous. I hope this relationship becomes all you hope for, my friend.
And speaking of lowering drawbridges, I think I just did…
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
I’m very proud of you, sister. And you are right…you have to give everything its time.
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July 27th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Not only am I glad to hear about you opening yourself up to this relationship, but I am also selfishly glad to hear you’re opening yourself up to your readers once again!
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:56 pm
It’s time to just be me. The real me. If people don’t like who I am, they’ll go away quietly, I suppose. Proven fact, actually.
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July 27th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
I’m so proud to know you! You are a source of inspiration for me everyday! XOXO
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Um, I feel the same way about you.
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July 27th, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Huzzah for your happiness and balance!
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Huzzah indeed!
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July 28th, 2010 at 4:20 am
What an amazing post, from an amazing woman. I feel like I’ve been watching the caterpiller turn into the beautiful butterfly that has always been… So glad you are truly feeling again and that you are happy.
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Thanks, Bubs! It has been an amazing transformation. I really like who I am right now and honestly, how many people get to say that?
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July 28th, 2010 at 4:47 am
More than healing….I see growth. And man-oh-mangoberry (one of my favorite Hilly-isms) that hurts and feels great at the same time, doesn’t it?
Kisses!
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
Man oh mangoberry, it does!
It’s the good kind of hurt though…the kind that gets you somewhere.
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July 28th, 2010 at 5:38 am
Keeping up that tough exterior is hard work. Balance is important. You said it perfectly! And I am so excited for you opening up to some good things!
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
The thing is that I am not sure it was all exterior. It’s almost like my core was starting to harden as well. I’m glad it’s all melty again.
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July 28th, 2010 at 6:34 am
So happy to be part of this discovery and here to witness all this dang growth. You continue to amaze me. Love you x’s a million.
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Love you times two million, you rap dancing goddess!
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July 28th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Just love ya. That is all.
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Me too! Cannot wait to see you.
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July 28th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Totally ok to feel, I reckon it’s the only way to get through all this. Hugs.
I’ve said this before but sounds like you have great people in your life…
I can’t speak for them. But for what it’s worth, I think we all kind of knew you were super hard core, cold hearted Hilly. And we like you anyway.
Hugs. If you need anything drop me a line.
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Hahaha, are you calling me hard core, sister? Boooyaka!
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
@Hilly, Damn … oops… LOL
meant to say we knew you are NOT cold hearted… (but yeah, you are hard core.)
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Haha, I knew what you meant but was just giving you shit!
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July 28th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
Happy that you’ve opened up again, and happy that you’re happy! *hugs*
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Thank you….feeling all kinds of good.
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July 28th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
What a great, down-deep-in-your-soul post! Good on you for getting to a balanced place.
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Thanks, Ally. I am really grateful for that balance fosho.
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July 28th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
you deserve to give and receive real love. i’m very happy that you’re opening yourself up to the magic again.
it’s ok to mourn, sweetheart; it’s ok to cry. in fact the sooner you do, the sooner the river floats you on to your next adventure.
olives.
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
There was just too much. There were too many people saying goodbye, important and measley. It was too hard to cry over all of them so I just fucked them off. Now I have the balance of knowing they were once loved but also knowing that they are not good enough to be in my life.
Stuff and nonsense, but good stuff and nonsense.
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July 28th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Sounds like someone’s hella awesome sexy girlfriend needs to vacuum under his couch!
*whistle*
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Oh Jebus, you.
“You’re like a candy store and I’m a todd-looor”
Snort.
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
@Hilly, Are you two STILL singing that to each other?
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
Mostly yes. But I actually like the song. It reminds me of Scott and please don’t even ask me why.
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
@Jason R, You know Hil’s much cooler than we are! Plus hot. Very hot.
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
No one is cooler than you, Ice Man. Now get off my blog and come over!
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July 28th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
I’ve never admired you more than right now and I’ve been a Snackie Admirer for years. You have a beautiful soul and the fact that you’ve opened it again makes me smile for your heart.
(ps, if it’s who I think it is, your boyfriend is adorable)
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July 29th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
He really IS adorable and after talking to you earlier today, you so nailed who he is.
I mean, it would be pretty hard to figure it out at this point in time, haha.
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July 29th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
It sucks to feel and it’s hard and you know what? It’s better to feel it all. I’m slowly learning this too.
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July 29th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
I find myself fighting off tears so much but then liking them when it is all over.
Crying is like losing ones virginity repeatedly.
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July 29th, 2010 at 7:00 pm
I’m just going to say what lots of people are thinking here: you had a shit deal and got blamed and abandoned when you dared call out others’ crappy behavior. You may have caused some of that yourself but you also handled that situation with class and dignity, something the “other side” lacked.
OF COURSE you retreated and became cold and hard. If I had that much opposition, I would too. I’m not saying you’re perfect or you didn’t make mistakes in that situation but MY GOD those people should leave you alone and let you live your life since you’ve tried to quietly put this all behind you like a good person does. If I had people jumping ship to take sides in something that is none of their business (people who claimed to be friends as we know net people never are), I too would have shut down and just not given a rats ass about who left next. You did what you had to and AGAIN, you did it quietly unlike some people who need to have an audience to survive.
Good for you. Good for you for saying this and admitting your pain in everything. Good for you for focusing on the people who matter and who stand by you no matter what. Good for you for loving yourself enough to not accept shit ass fuckers in your life.
Go get yours, girl. Love him. Love him hard and love him with everything you have. You don’t need an internet following because you have REAL LOVE in your life. Screw the rest.
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July 29th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Also, fame whores follow fame whores. Those people were never your friends. They talked shit about you even when you were “in the fold”. You are above them in every way possible. Trust that. I am not the only one who sees this and you have a “team” whether you want one or not.
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July 29th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Most of this wasn’t about those people and that situation but sure, a little of it was. The thing is that I am happy. I don’t need to martyr myself or gather an army in order to feel good about who I am.
We’ll leave it at that.
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July 29th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
@Anonymouse, I have no idea who you are, but I totes love you for these comments to mah Hilly. This was my exact stance on the all the bullshit for so long. Those people in Florida are/were a bunch of haters, phony to each other and lying to themselves. And while Hilly leaving Florida meant I lost my ability to see her at will…I was willing to take that one on the chin so she would cross the country and find happiness again. Here, here! Team Hilly all the way!!
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July 29th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Hilmuffin…
Changing. Evolving. Growing. It is a permanent process in the life of a woman. Mourn, because it is within your right to do so. But, the heart? It must remain open, even at the risk of it getting broken once more. Love walks in, love walks out. And, when we’re really lucky…love comes in with a bottle of really good wine, starts a warm fire in the hearth and makes love to you nightly on a bearskin rug. Only then is it okay to shut the door and lock it behind you. I want for you what I have found for myself and that is the treasure of a good man who will value you in every way possible. This person will see flaws as “quirks”. Weight gain will merely be “more of you to love”. Sadness is acceptable, not just tolerated. Anger is seen as a prelude to foreplay. Laughter is the remedy that heals all. Trust abounds.
I found all of this 10 years ago. The door is now bolted shut. Love lives here once more. And man, is it ever sweet. All this, I wish for you. Be open to it, don’t fear it. When it’s right, it will never hurt again.
I love you, my sister.
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July 29th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
Thank you for this. I know you don’t know me yet but really, thank you.
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July 30th, 2010 at 6:38 pm
I prefer seeing all sides of someone, anyway.
You are such a great writer!
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July 31st, 2010 at 8:19 am
I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said, but I just wanted you to know that I loves ya.
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August 16th, 2010 at 8:08 pm
[...] you recall, I wrote about the one who finally captured my heart and let’s be clear about something right now…he [...]