Awhile back, I started dating someone named Scott. Now then, Scott is fantastical in every way and he’s the first man in ages (probably since meeting my ex-husband) to give me the kind of butterflies that make me weak in the knees but strong in the heart. He’s got a smile that can melt butter, a sense of humor that makes me snort more than usual and such a kind, even temperament. While one of Shawn’s mottoes was “people suck, good luck!”, Scotty’s completely the opposite and always says, “People will surprise you in good ways if given the chance.”. It’s refreshing to be around someone who is so positive and not really sarcastic and snarky like almost everyone else I know, including myself. Don’t get me wrong…the man is funneh like honey but he’s just not ruthlessly snippy like other people can be.
There’s just one problem with our relationship…Scott is the kind of man you *marry* and well kittens, I’m just not sure how to let myself love someone that much again. To be crystal clear, I am over my ex-husband in every way possible. In fact, I really fucking wish our divorce would hurry up and get finalized so that I could fully move on from ever having to talk to him again. It’s not that I hate him or wish him ill…quite the contrary, really. It’s just that it’s time to move on now and without these final steps being walked, I don’t feel like I can fully do that.
Uh anydoodle, back to present day…shesh.
The thing is that well…I think I’m scared. I keep flitting around, telling everyone that I’m just not ready to settle into something serious. I also often bring up the fact that I really need to spend time focusing on sticking with my career and growing it as well as taking care of my body by living a healthy lifestyle. Amazingly, through every walk of my life, I am living it differently than I ever have before and my dears, I no longer talk the talk when I can’t walk the walk.
As far as my job goes, I’m putting that hammer down. I’ve revamped my policy on calling in sick whenever I get a hangnail and have developed this amazing work ethic like never before. As far as my health goes, I’m over here quietly shredding pounds faster than a speeding bullet while working out and owning my body. I just don’t talk about it as much as other people do because unlike the droves of women who can blog about weight loss and be successful, I do much better at a weight-loss regime when I am on my own, not tied to a group or a diet blog. Um, you know me, I’m not judging…I’m just saying that I am wonky in the fact that I don’t like group weight loss one bit. Most people find it a comfort and oh my GOD, why am I justifying my own damned statements. I promised myself I would not do that ever again, sheesh!
Back to the subject at hand, for goodness sake. Here’s the thing…I think I am scared to fully let myself love again and somehow subsequently lose myself in another man’s life. It’s not that I worry about him hurting me because let’s face it…I am a strong woman who can bounce back from pretty much anything. Nay nay, I think that I worry about becoming less of myself by being with someone else. I wasn’t able to do it right the first time and what if I fuck it all up this time too? What if I screw myself out of being the independent, free-spirit that I’ve finally reclaimed by falling in love with this man? What if I don’t remember everything I’ve learned over the last year and a half of my life? What if I’m sitting here in yet another seven years, age 45, wondering once again how it all went wrong? And most importantly, what if I never learn how to overcome this fear and ditch this mentality?
So yeah, a few weeks ago, because of all of this shit, I asked Scott if we could slow it down. He’s been really great about giving me my space but sends emails and texts now and then that simply say, “When you’re ready. I am not going anywhere”. Every time I see one of those, my heart quakes yet still, I don’t have it in me to answer him. The other day, he saw a friend of mine out on the town and was expressing his frustration at the fact that I never even call him back or message him that much.
My friend said, “You know what? If she can’t call you back then fuck her. Why are you waiting around? There are plenty of fish in the sea!”
To which he replied, “Yeah but…I want to swim with her.”
It’s weird how her telling me that little tale allowed my heart to swell so much that I reopened the lines of communication and made plans to see him this weekend. I miss him and miss the way he makes me feel inside, to be honest. I guess I just need to figure out a way to conquer whatever fears seem to be eating me in the love-life arena. I mean, how is it that I never let *anything* break me because I am so strong but my heart? Yeah, that damned this is soft and squishy and really can’t handle being broken yet again. I mean, I just cannot have one more unhealthy relationship and truth be told, I am way more worried about my actions than Scott’s.
I really don’t know the answer but maybe just getting this out of my head will help. It’s weird being on this side of divorce because you know, I’m no longer desperate to fall in love and get married like I was in my early 30′s. I’m kind of content just enjoying the ride and seeing where it takes me. However, one day I really am going to need to make a decision because it’s not fair to this man who, for all intents and purposes, deserves healthy emotional love from a very good woman. Can that woman be me? I guess we shall see!
Platonic Or Not Kisses,
Me
July 2nd, 2010 at 1:50 am
It took me probably 4 years post-divorce to even THINK about getting married again, and W is the first guy with whom I’ve had serious conversations re: marriage. On one hand, I’m like, yeah, let’s do it! On the other hand, I think, what’s the rush? So take it slow, go at whatever speed feels right for you. He sounds like a good guy. Yay!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 1:52 am
But does he like cupcakes?
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:12 am
“But I want to swim with HER” = the new “You had me at hello.”
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:24 am
Well. (Seriously, an entire sentence within itself.) You know the first part of my story…
…married 12 years. …same year as divorce, married again…this time only two years.
…then, one year later, a seven year relationship, wherein, he wanted to get married and I said no. Thank God!
Since then, I swore off relationships for a year. A year went by and I kinda liked it! So…I said one more! That will be August of this year. I still dont think I’m in a place where I am willing to give 110% for love.
I’m up, I’m down. I’m cleaning house…in my heart and mind, all the time, quite frankly. I think I’m close but am in a place where I WILL NOT settle for anything less than TRUE. …everything, on the table…ALL of the time.
Meanwhile, I really loooove, love, love being me!
I’ve dated…only twice but come home feeling empty. I’m just not there.
My long winded point is this: TREASURE who you are and how you feel. Never settle and always listen closely to your heart. I think…IF there is any question…maybe you are not ready.
AND…as a final note: Maybe I’m just all kinds of messed up and you should kick my comment to the curb! Hehe…
Love ya!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:31 am
My $0.02? The question you should really worry about asking yourself when you’re 45 is, “why did I let my fears prevent me from trying something with an amazing guy?” You might get lost and you might not — but I’m of the mindset that living your decisions day to day and just making the right ones (as opposed to removing yourself from a situation and thinking about things for a long time) is a better way to move forward. Practice, after all, makes perfect.
Not, of course, to take away from how scary this must be!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:47 am
Totally feel you here. I went from an intense relationship and still have these moments with my current one where I wish for more and then remember how it was and… anyway, I get what you are saying. I think it’s hard, not so much that one fears a heartbreak but because you know all the effort that one puts into a relationship, even the easiest ones. And wonder, is it worth it? I’m pretty sure it is, eventually.
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:52 am
I am a big believer in following your heart. You know what I hate? When your heart won’t just tell you what it wants and be obvious about it. I have no idea what to tell you because it sounds like that is where you are…trying to follow your heart but not sure what it wants and not sure if you should trust what you think it wants when maybe it isn’t ready quite yet…but maybe it is. Good luck figuring this all out! I am thinking good thoughts for you!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 2:53 am
Also? The part that says “submit cupcake” made me smile like crazy just now and I really needed that so thank you!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 3:07 am
I completely understand this. It took me ages to let myself fall for Mike, I was so scared of so many different things, and he was so patient with me…
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 3:20 am
I guess you’ll just never know unless you take the leap, right? That leap of faith is so fucking scary, but damn – so fucking satisfying when it works.
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 3:55 am
Okay. This is something only my close family and, begrudgingly, my new husband know as it is one of the very few things that embarrasses me: On St Paddy’s Day this year, I married, at age 44, my third husband. That’s right. My third. Shameful isn’t it? It’s not that my first marriage wasn’t good, I was just too young to appreciate him and it wasn’t that my second husband more than just stifling, it was that my husband now is a good man who said to me that today was a very important anniversary because, after five years, it was a year ago today we knew, definitively that we were to be together and we would marry. I didn’t argue that I didn’t know we would marry until months later because he is a good man and, in the end, he was right.
Point being, I guess, that it will happen if it’s to happen and please don’t hold yourself hostage to your own fears and misgivings. When you’re ready – if you are ready – those things will fade.
Be well woman, you deserve it.
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 3:58 am
btw, congrats for focusing on you and getting back to health!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 10:53 am
When I met my husband, I had no interest in marriage. I’d gotten crushed about a year earlier, and the idea of wrapping my life up with someone else was terrifying. He had a truck full of issues and two failed marriages behind him. I told him he could stick around if he wanted, but no promises. Several months later he had a health scare and the very idea of losing him had me curled up in a ball in the hospital hallway. That was eleven years ago. It took us several years to decide on the whole formal “marriage” thing, but we knew that we would stay together, marriage or not.
I guess my long-winded point is that there is a conscious decision involved in trying, the rest is up to the universe. Honesty is the best policy. “I want you in my life but I need to grow a bit as well”… If this man gives more than he takes, lifts you up more than he drags you down, then maybe trying is in the cards…
BTW, Himself is nothing, NOTHING like what I thought I wanted. That whole list thing that runs through our heads when we’re looking around?? Throw it out… damn thing is useless….
Congrats on the new, healthier you!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 11:30 am
I could use a little advice on how to shred pounds faster than a speeding bullet.
Don’t stay away from this man or any other because you fear getting your heart broken. You are so much stronger now and can handle anything.
You know, better to have love and lost … or live happily every after. Love is always worth the risk.
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 11:59 am
I know how you feel. I’m working through that right now with Joey. I’ve tossed and turned and put him through all kinds of shit, and like your lover, he’s been patient and amazing.
So, recently, I just said FUCK IT. I can’t bother worrying about what I may or may not regret in the future. And I’m all in. It feels good. I guess what I’m saying is that I agree with Sybil (as usual).
Whatever you do, it’ll be what’s right for you. Seems like Scott knows what a treasure he’s got!
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm
My heart was guarded on top of guarded after Ace’s death. I honestly had no intention of getting married again or ever being happy – yes, I was in that dark of a place. If I had listened to everyone else, had gone with what my head was saying over my heart – I would have passed up on Dan – who has turned out to be the most incredible man I will probably ever meet. Anyone that could put up with my shit… yes, he deserves a medal. I thought I could control everything, found out…the timing of falling in love – was not one of them.
[Reply]
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:23 pm
I had been in love with my ex for years before we finally dated, and for all those years I kept thinking “What if?” with regards to him: What if we dated? What if we just kissed? What would happen? Finally, the What Ifs turned into something real, and, sure, two years later it turned into shit, but that’s the risk you take.
In a rather personal defining moment that truly shows how far I have come in the past year, I will say this: Yes, he hurt me, betrayed me, was a dick and always will be. But do I regret dating him or holding out all those years hoping? No, I don’t. Because those two years I had with him were amazing, and I wouldn’t trade those for anything. Plus, if nothing else, now I know. I can stop asking the What Ifs, because I found out. It didn’t turn out as I had hoped, obviously, but at least I had that time and I can move on and no longer have to wonder.
For me, ultimately, the risk is always worth it. Scary, yes. Fucking terrifying at times because, yeah, you could get your heart broken. But, I don’t know, even after everything of the past year — maybe because of it all — I see the good outweighing the bad.
Now, if only we could work on finding someone who wants to swim with me
[Reply]
July 3rd, 2010 at 3:21 am
All you can do is ride the ride. It’ll be crystal clear to you when it’s time to do something – whatever that may be.
[Reply]
July 3rd, 2010 at 12:13 pm
He sounds like a good guy.
Maybe you’re looking at it the wrong way, the way I see it, it’s not so much getting lost in someone’s life. That, to me, sounds rather dreadful. Rather, you should fit into each others — because you want to, it should be equal parts give and take.
I can’t speak to anyone else’s experiences. But having been with The Man for 18 years, I can say that, at it’s core we are very very good friends. (I don’t like the term best friend but that’s what he is.) It’s ok to take your time.
That being said, don’t close yourself off because of fear. He might be the one, he might not, but you’ll learn, you’ll grow. And that’s a good thing.
(Good job on the health front.)
[Reply]
July 3rd, 2010 at 4:15 pm
First of all, it’s great to be reading your blog again! I’m sooooo happy and blessed that we’ve reconnected. I’ve always found your words and thoughts to be inspirational. I need to write in my blog more often…so this will be a new goal for this new personal year.
As a gay man, I have heard it all from my fruit flies. Through their insecurities, I hear the fear. That FEAR can really grip one’s heart and brain. After so much pain and hurt, it’s hard to separate the two but one doesn’t really live until one gets past the fear.
Rodan and I are going on our 11th year together. That’s like 500 years in gay life, no?
As for the weight loss issues, GURL, I can relate. I have lost 42 pounds. This is the most that I’ve lost in years. I do not want to gain the weight again. I can’t. I just don’t have the strength to do over and over again. This is it. I plan to enjoy the weight loss and focus on the now. I gotta keep on working out and train for the next half marathon. I traded in all of the “fat clothes” and bought new threads. Everything. The pricey tag goes along with that…so this is it. This is the new me. This is what I’ve always wanted. I feel good today but know that I gotta keep up the work so that I can feel good about Life tomorrow when I wake up. It’s not always easy but I rather learn as I go than give up and gain the weight all back.
Go slow…enjoy the moments. Remember the joys. This is YOUR Life…Love it, Baby! xoxoxo
[Reply]
July 4th, 2010 at 3:27 am
Scott sounds like an awesome guy. So awesome, that if you read this post to him, he’d probably get it and get you and be fine with it.
Give him, and yourself, the benefit of the doubt, and love him while you can. And if “while” is for two months or two decades or longer? Awesome either way.
[Reply]
July 4th, 2010 at 3:54 am
He does sound like a keeper even if you are afraid, which BTW half the battle against is admitting it… And I love how you’re just quietly going about changing your habits and liking yourself more and more. Did I say I’m glad the cupcakes are back too?
*HUGS*
[Reply]
July 4th, 2010 at 12:59 pm
Just live. Don’t worry about the ‘what if’s ‘ or you may miss something very important and be staring at 45 wondering how that happened.
He might be the one he might not be but how will you know if you don’t give him–and yourself–a chance.
And in a healthy relationship it is less likely that you will lose yourself in his life than you will create a new world of ‘US’ that meshes both of your lives.
And I am so happy that you are ‘owning’ getting healthy.
[Reply]
July 4th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I think you should just enjoy yourself and let whatever happens happen. He seems like a good guy who will be patient with you and understand your needs.
[Reply]
July 4th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
“I think I am scared to…lose myself in another man’s life. It’s not that I worry about him hurting me because let’s face it…I am a strong woman who can bounce back from pretty much anything.” But Hilly, you’re not the same person as you were back when you “lost yourself” to another man’s life, right? You’re a different person now, who won’t let that happen again. And if you’re not worried about him hurting you, then why are you hesitating? Life’s too short to shortchange the Hilly. He sounds amazing.
[Reply]
July 4th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Wow, some friend, hahaha!
I think that since you’ve recognized your mistake of allowing yourself to get swallowed up in your past relationship, and since you’re so adamant about it not happening again, you’ll be just fine. Still, there’s nothing wrong with taking things slow and not jumping into anything too soon.
[Reply]
July 5th, 2010 at 2:10 am
I can’t really add anything that hasn’t been said, but he does sound patient, and willing to take things slowly right along with you. Nothing worth having is easy (for the most part), so IMO if he makes you happy & is willing to give you time? Enjoy. You’ve learned so very much in your journey, I think you’ll be JUST.FINE. <3
[Reply]
July 13th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
This Scott guy sounds like he’s a keeper.
As for following your heart, I’ve done that enough times in my life. I tend to get all puppy dog, follow you all over, call a lot… As I get older and obviously in a long committed relationship for the last 9 years, I don’t do that anymore, but 10 years ago, I would be a mess once I got dumped, taking my pain out in loud music, cigarettes and 4 nights a week at the bar, just to name a few things to distract me from the breakup.
[Reply]
July 20th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Hills – I need to start with YOU BITCH for losing 19lbs this summer! I am down 7 but can’t say I have been doing a program… e-mail me if you want to chat loss tactics.
Here are my thoughts on being a couple…
I certainly hope you see the sincerity as well as the humor. And if you ever do get married again, let me know if you need a minister
http://www.beerchurch.com/Default.aspx?tabid=1216
[Reply]
July 20th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
I keep saying that if I get remarried, it will be because the guy I am with will want to be married.
I also realize that I have started building this wall that doesn’t allow guys in for a relationship. That, topped with not really knowing how to meet someone to begin with, because I don’t want to do the online thing at this point in my life, I guess I’ll be on my own for a while.
I’m just not sure I’m ok with that.
[Reply]
July 21st, 2010 at 10:56 pm
[...] it so happened that a fellow blogger friend of mine was rambling about her current love life and it reminded me of my beloved, though somewhat forgotten Beer Church. My favorite part of the [...]